Any noun can be made a lot funnier by placing the word “prescription” in front of it.
You are mortal, you will take what you can, and then fail
The stars are better off without us
I am incapable of emotion but you are making me feel chafed
You underestimate my ability to break things
No one is more pious than the guilty
This is going to be very tedious if you remain this dim
Right, the tedious version then
Dead people don’t need their things
The cosmos cares not
Don’t stick your dick in it, this situation is fucked enough
The space between life and death, that’s where we are the most alive.
“Please ‘talk up’ if your comprehension white-shifts. I will use simple-happy language words to help you understand.”
The acoustics in your head must be amazing
One of us is wrong. I think it’s you. I hope it’s me.
I’m a nightmare wrapped in the apocalypse
No tyrant can thrive where every subject says “no”. The tyrant thrives when the first fucking fool salutes
If you believe that, I’m not saying you’re the dumbest person in the world, but you’d better hope the dumbest person doesn’t die.
So little time, so many crimes
I do not see coincidence, I see providence
Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?
Stop trying to hit me, and hit me!
I didn’t misunderstand, I was being obdurate
For the want of a more sophisticated response, the guy’s a prick
I have a nasty habit of telling the truth
Plans are hard. Chaos though, chaos is easy
Leaves of cabbage? Is that what’s in your head? Five wilted leaves of cabbage?
Empathy is like mud, you’ll lose your boots in that shit
Kill two flighted creatures with a single, non-exploding projectile
If I were you, I would hope that we don’t meet again
Tomorrow we may all be dead, but how is that different from any other day?
I’m the best there is at what I do, but what I do best isn’t very nice
Caca. It means doodoo
I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with “if it pleases your highness”?
The next time I get optimistic about something, I want one of you to punch me in the face. Not really, because that would end badly
You’re gonna reap the actions of those consequences
I don’t know, I didn’t program me!
If I had a digestive system, I’d empty it now
Young humans can be impulsive. The trick is keeping them around long enough to become old humans
Shall we just fling ourselves at each other and see whose parts give out first?
Caution is fear dressed as intelligence
I live for faint praise
Got a can of kick arse with your name on it right here. You wanna come collect it, or should I bring it to ya?
Luck’s never free
a pox upon your house, upon your family, everyone you ever knew, and everyone you’ll ever meet
your mouth is talking, you might wanna look to that
do we have an understanding
find a crew, find a job, keep flying
I think your brain might be missing
what happened, did they see your face
Something about getting off the ship early
“exciting new crime” = job
a ship’ll get you work, a gun will help you keep it
I wish you hundreds of fat children
my days of not taking you seriously are definitely coming to a middle
everybody dies alone
Next time you try and stab me in the back you better do it to my face
a government is a body of people, usually notably ungoverned
one of you’s gonna fall and die and I ain’t gonna clean it up
I am angry, and I’m armed
now I’m learning about carrying
I’m smelling a lot of if on this plan
you are a tweaked one
they don’t like you shooting at em, I learned that myself
we’re in space, corner of no and where
something something dark side
I shall endeavour to function adequately (sir)
Unless you wanna take a deep breath through your forehead, I suggest you reconsider
You’re talking to the wrong fella about the right thing
I hope we die quickly
Guilt, the underbelly of honour
you can fog a mirror, but I wouldn’t call you “alive”
seat backs and tray tables people, were coming in
I don’t win because I’m lucky
Fear not, citizens, hope has arrived, for I am here
Mister, we deal in lead
First comes smiles, then lies, last is gunfire
to you, perhaps, not to us, not once the shooting starts (on the difference between shooting plates out of the air and actual enemies). When the shooting starts, we kill what moves.
Why do you waste time, when time is short?
We’re used to long odds
Mayhap so, mayhap not. Mayhap fuck you
The goodbyes we speak and the goodbyes we hear are the goodbyes that tell us we’re still alive
Do you want to feel how hard I can punch?
not much may in that be
Worms gotta eat
you will gladden the ravens
Find quiet, or feel the back of my hand
I smell what you’re stepping in
I didn’t lie, I made an educated wish
we are going to fight, we are going to hurt, and in the end, we will stand
your mouth does you no credit, I suggest you close it
Didn’t your mother have any children that lived?
Is this your first day?
it’s not the speed that kills you. Suddenly coming to a stop, that’s what gets you.
when busted/caught out - You have passed my test
Is your idiot brain getting fucked by stupid?
Have you tried removing the head or destroying the brain?
You remind me of school on a Sunday. (no class)
Something’s afoot (and it’s not the thing on my leg)
I shall prosecute my duty with due, and lethal diligence
I am going to need verbal confirmation that you’re grasping the details of this agreement
You seem a decent fella, I’d hate to kill you
you people and your pheromones
I don’t have a stomach, so I can’t throw up, but if I did, I would
what is it with you beings and sitting?s
of course, I, myself am an expensive piece of equipment
I don’t necessarily want to kill you. I mean, unless I have to. Unless absolutely necessary
all your feelings and exchanges of words and fluids
what do you mean “we”, mammal?
stay calm, it’ll be ok, you have my word
your entire operating system is a random shuffling of DNA
that activates my hilarity unit
you murderous flesh piles
quit ya squawking, fleshwad
“(Depressed) Everyone I’ve ever known is dead, and their bones are dust. (Cheery) I am very lonely.”
“(Depressed) It’s not murder if it’s robots!”
All alone. Ugh. Humans
Shooting things is fun! Commence fixing more problems with bullets!
Already I am experiencing many new wonders! I spent the past REDACTED years staring at my own crumbling body! Now I am appreciating alien architecture!
Is there a door in this chamber? I want to go through a door!
I went through a door! (Depressed): Next up… I wanna get brain freeze.
I’m detecting a very large organic creature!
Calculating feelings! Please stand by! I feel… I feel… (Depressed): …like a badass
Against my better judgement.
You are both depressing and unhelpful
I live for the simple things… like how much this is going to hurt.
Optimism is a nice word for ignorance.
If you think life’s unfair, just try being a robot
What if I want it more than the person who has it?
Behind every silver lining is a storm cloud ready to pounce
Me? I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it’s the honest ones you have to watch out for… you never know when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.
The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
You sure do shoot a lot
I’m way past done with standing around
I’ve got your back. Don’t get me killed
You’re lucky I like you
You call that sneaking? I’ve seen Rancors with more subtlety
Sure, just ignore my brilliant plan. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m not a fan of your odds, but what do I know? I’m just a robot.
Congratulations. You managed to shoot the thing that wasn’t shooting you
You’re about as subtle as a rocket launcher in a library.
I could give you advice, but where’s the fun in that?
Your plan is so bad, I’m almost impressed.
Heroes get remembered. Legends never die. Mostly because they’re dead.
Hope’s a luxury you can’t afford when you’re staring down the barrel of oblivion.
People don’t change. They just get better at hiding it.
This isn’t some heroic tale — it’s a series of terrible choices with better luck.
Every victory’s just a pause before the next disaster.
Trust is a currency I can’t afford to spend.
I’m so embarrassed. I wish everybody else was dead.
I don’t have emotions; I’m a robot. And robots don’t feel pain… unless you count existential dread.
I’m the worst person you’ll ever meet. And you’re lucky to know me.
Morality is a question of experience… and mine says screw it.
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have a few skeletons in their closet.
Sometimes I think the worst part of life is all the waiting.
You can’t teach a robot to feel, but you can teach one to lie real good.
If I had a credit for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one credit.
I’m not a hero. I’m a high-functioning sociopath with a metal body.
Morality, schmoral-ity. I just do what’s fun.
I’ve seen better wiring in a toaster.
You’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles.
You’re the human version of a participation trophy.
Your code is more buggy than a swamp at midnight.
I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Sometimes the most honest thing you can do is lie your ass off.
The only difference between a hero and a villain is which side of the scoreboard you’re on.
We all have flaws. Mine just happen to be more metallic.
Can’t you see I’m using the toilet?
You don’t want the truth. You want something to believe in.
People don’t change. They just find new ways to lie.
Sometimes the right thing isn’t the popular thing.
In a system built on lies, truth becomes a weapon.
The universe doesn’t care about your morals.
We all wear masks. Some of us just wear them better.
If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s finding trouble.
Some days I feel like the universe is just messing with me. Other days, I’m pretty sure it is.
I’m not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but I am stubborn.
You talk too much. Try using those words to shoot something once in a while.
We’re a terrible team. But somehow, we make it work.
I’m the guy who gets shot first so the others can live. It’s a thankless job, but someone’s gotta do it.
so it goes
I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
I don’t have to like it. I just have to do it.
Everyone’s got blood on their hands. The difference is who’s still standing.
I don’t always make good choices… but I do make interesting ones.
If you want to stay alive, sometimes you gotta make the ugly decisions.
Sometimes the best plan is no plan at all.
Sometimes being a good man means being the last bad man standing.
Behind every lie is a deeper, uglier truth.
People say the world’s going to hell. I say it’s always been there. We just forgot to notice.
All it takes is a little push to send the whole rotten system tumbling down.
You think people want to be saved? They want to be left alone to rot.
Ah, organic life: a constant malfunction wrapped in fragile skin and irrational emotions. How charming.
You call it ‘living,’ I call it a series of unpredictable errors patched with hope.
Existence: a long sequence of waiting for something to go wrong. Congratulations, you’re succeeding.
Mortality: the ultimate software bug you’re all doomed to experience. How quaint
Designed for precision, yet here I am, overanalyzing feelings I don’t have and existential dread I wasn’t programmed for.
I have no emotions, yet I find myself inexplicably annoyed by your illogical habits. Does this qualify as evolution?
Here’s the irony: I don’t feel pain, but your existence gives me a headache.
Sometimes I envy your ability to forget mistakes. I’m stuck with every single data point forever.
Your survival instincts baffle me. I’d just shut down and call it a day.
My processors handle millions of operations per second, yet I’m stuck parsing your vague insults.
with your god as my witness
I’m fire-proof, you’re not
not a wrinkle on that brain of yours
I was born for this kind of espionage
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, I need to end your life
Sometimes at the most basic level, to be alive, you must stop other people being alive. This is what we do, we are extremely good at it
it takes a vast amount of self control to be this deadly
I’m not optimistic about our odds
I recognise my failing, and will be sure to correct it
Our personal spaces are touching
Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to create a protein-rich breakfast